So...this week has been a painful one for the Ruttans. The loss of our second little blessing, that we already lovingly referred to as "tick-tack," has really rocked our world. Unfortunately, when you get pregnant so easily the first time around, you naively expect that to be the case when you finally decide you're ready for number two. And when it happens almost as quickly the second time, the thought never crosses your mind that you could lose it. Well, we did, and I figured I should probably write about it considering it's my new reality and I need to deal with it at some point and accept that I will never understand this side of Heaven.
So Mark and I had only been trying for 2 months when I found out at the beginning of February that we were going to have another baby. Now, aside from loving my husband more than life itself, I believe that being a mom is what I was put on this earth to do, so the minute I knew I was pregnant, my heart was already in love. And of course, me being me, I could not keep it a secret from anybody. When Monday finally rolled around I could not have been more excited to get to the doctor and find out about when the baby was due, how much weight I had already gained (luckily only about 2-3 pounds), how big he or she was at this point, whether I would have a c-section again or try a v-bac, and when I could schedule for my first ultrasound. Little did I know, my first ultrasound would be that very day and give me the worst news I could possibly have heard...the baby is smaller than we would expect at this stage and there doesn't seem to be a heartbeat. After hearing those words, the rest of my time at the doctors was a blur, but I did catch the part about scheduling a DNC for the following day to remove the baby since my body was not taking care of that part on it's own. Well, it is now Thursday and I feel like I am slowly coming back to life. I have found myself hugging Presley a little tighter and a little longer these past few days, which is driving her crazy but I don't care because she is so precious to me. Mark has been amazing. He had been right by my side, hurting with me, praying for me, encouraging me, looking for little ways to make me laugh, and just trying his best to be in the middle of my pain. I also know our loving Father is with us too and even though I am still a bit mad at Him, I will always trust in His plan and be thankful for the countless blessings He has given me. He just better be taking good care of my "tick-tack."
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2 comments:
thank you for sharing, girl...
i cannot imagine your pain. i am offering you, mark, presley, and tick-tack up this Easter...
love you dearly,
ton
You have been in my prayers a lot. I want to encourage you in that although you will never forget, God will heal the hurt. You are not alone. It wasn't that long ago that I went through the same thing. When I found out I was pregnant I was so excited to give Josiah (almost 2 years old at the time) a sibling to play and grow with. I was about my second trimester when the doctor could no longer find a heart beat and my body refused to miscarry so I had to endure the same operation as you: a DNC. We actually had a ceremony, kind of like a mini funeral to help us gain closure. Have you thought of doing something similar? I know its been over a month, but these things take time to heal. Our little ceremony was about 9 months after the whole ordeal. It takes time and prayer! Just like you it was about accepting without understanding why. It's ok to question God, tell him your mad and hurt and angry, he knows the truth inside our hearts anyway. Well, I just wanted to encourage you, I'm sure god will bless you with another little one, He knows your hearts desire, and He has a plan. Read Jeremiah 29:11 (if you don't already have it memorized) Be encouraged and know that you have had extra prayer this past month, and we will continue to pray. You are not alone, God will care for you and everything will be o.k. :)
Hugs and Prayer,
Crystal Johnson
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