So...this week has been a painful one for the Ruttans. The loss of our second little blessing, that we already lovingly referred to as "tick-tack," has really rocked our world. Unfortunately, when you get pregnant so easily the first time around, you naively expect that to be the case when you finally decide you're ready for number two. And when it happens almost as quickly the second time, the thought never crosses your mind that you could lose it. Well, we did, and I figured I should probably write about it considering it's my new reality and I need to deal with it at some point and accept that I will never understand this side of Heaven.
So Mark and I had only been trying for 2 months when I found out at the beginning of February that we were going to have another baby. Now, aside from loving my husband more than life itself, I believe that being a mom is what I was put on this earth to do, so the minute I knew I was pregnant, my heart was already in love. And of course, me being me, I could not keep it a secret from anybody. When Monday finally rolled around I could not have been more excited to get to the doctor and find out about when the baby was due, how much weight I had already gained (luckily only about 2-3 pounds), how big he or she was at this point, whether I would have a c-section again or try a v-bac, and when I could schedule for my first ultrasound. Little did I know, my first ultrasound would be that very day and give me the worst news I could possibly have heard...the baby is smaller than we would expect at this stage and there doesn't seem to be a heartbeat. After hearing those words, the rest of my time at the doctors was a blur, but I did catch the part about scheduling a DNC for the following day to remove the baby since my body was not taking care of that part on it's own. Well, it is now Thursday and I feel like I am slowly coming back to life. I have found myself hugging Presley a little tighter and a little longer these past few days, which is driving her crazy but I don't care because she is so precious to me. Mark has been amazing. He had been right by my side, hurting with me, praying for me, encouraging me, looking for little ways to make me laugh, and just trying his best to be in the middle of my pain. I also know our loving Father is with us too and even though I am still a bit mad at Him, I will always trust in His plan and be thankful for the countless blessings He has given me. He just better be taking good care of my "tick-tack."
Long Beach was really a lot of fun for us this year. Presley had her first experience camping and I think it was a lot of fun for her. I grew up camping here with my family every year over the 4th of July, so it was awesome to see Presley experience it. Now that we're back home in Cali, Presley is still talking about the beach and when we can go back to the beach where we built the big, giant sand castle. The weather was beautiful, our whole family was there and we even got to see some good friends that we haven't seen in a long time. Dana and Andrea...so glad you two were able to come out for the day, it was awesome to see you! 
